I want a new start, to wake up and remember no past, feel no fear, urges, have no passion... to wake up and feel nothing except dedication to God and His will.

Even when im talking to someone else, im still talking to myself.
Lost in myself

The more I learn and discover of what is right and wrong, because I know that even when my actions out of good intentions can turn out to be harmful to someone. I lose confidence to do anything. It is better to do nothing than doing something that harms others. And again, I find myself in a situation of Zugzwang.

Identity

Lately I’ve been thinking, when I look in the mirror, I am always faced with the doubt if the person looking back at me is actually me. I can recognize myself in pictures, and somehow feel comfortable with my own body, as I feel myself, it doesn't seem like a foreign object, or a foreign body, Seeing my reflection, its hard to believe that this appearance defines me. Maybe it doesn't, I didn't choose to be born an asian, or tall for example. If I had the choice of what features my physical body would have so it defines my soul, I wouldn't have an answer. But as far as im concerned, my physical body appearance doesn't present what my soul is like, at all. If I saw myself as a stranger and was asked about what kind of personality I might have had, I am pretty sure that I would have made all the wrong assumptions. By appearance, I still remain a total stranger to myself. The way I look is something that I cannot accept as an identity. Knowing this, why is it that I judge other people by their appearances. For example, a big sparkling eyes most of the time gives me an impression that this person is pure and innocent, while small, narrow eyes leave me thinking that this person might be a little bit cunning. If these assumptions were true, does this mean that my eyes were bigger when I was more innocent and they became narrower and small as I grew cunning? Attractive people, as opposed to unattractive people seem to be treated better, probably because its easier to look at them and therefore assumed to be nicer, Why is it that even when you know your physical appearance is not something we choose, that we take it personally, feeling proud or ashamed about it? And if our soul only uses the body as an instrument of perception, why does beauty matter? Not only in the sight perception-wise, even why does perception of all kinds matter at all? And thoughts, while its in my head, it makes perfect sense, I know exactly what im thinking, but when I try to put it down in words, only a scratch of its meaning, depth, and passion is expressed. As some one else reads it, they will not understand, feel the original meaning, because its been damaged by the failure of expression. Even my words are not good preventatives of my thoughts, Despite this, most people don't think that this is exactly what it meant, they just understand it as it is, not thinking that there could’ve been something more.

Would you still be as just as in love with your lover if he/she had a different appearance, voice, taste, feel, and what they speak of is worded differently? How can you be sure that you have only one soul when personality changes just as dramatically as physical body changes? Is your identity your current state of mind and beliefs or the collection of it? For me, as I look back at my life, at each stage, it could be thought that I had a different soul, having ideas that are significantly different from one another, the one proceeding having no knowledge of the next soul, and who is the real me?: the soul that is collecting all the experiences that are remembered.

In total darkness, whether ur eyes are open or closed, there is no difference, u see nothing. So dont waste ur energy trying to find sth to see.
If someone's inside is black and heartless, whether u try or nt, u will still be unable to see light, so dont waste ur time and energy trying to lit it up.

Haniadandaa yag uhehnee. Haluuraad... yadaj bhad margash toefl ogoh geed bdag.. iim hooloitoi yaj speakingiig ni ogoh gej bgam boldoo...
Suuldee ih yum bodsoor bgad simle yumnii answer iig ch medehee bailaa. Urid ni bi tednii hariu zorgitoi helj chaddag bsan ..but not anymore... Unselt gej yu yumb?? yagaad hiihyosoti yum bol? Yah gej amidarch bgam bol? Nulims yah gej garadag yum bol? Dursamj yund heregtei yumber geed l.. tolgoi ertuulsen asuultuud zondoo l bn.
Bi hun nmaig unsdeg, yamar ued unsdeg gedgiig ni meddeg bolohoor l unseltiig ni erguulen ogdog. Tuunees bish, physically, emotionally, nadad hen negeniig unseh huselt tordoggui..Uneniig helehed ene ni just a way to fit in the community yum bnlda. Tegeed bi eejiig unsesniihaa daraa bi tuunees asuusan. Unselt yumd heregtei yum be gej asuusan. I know it hurt her because i asked her jus after i kissed her. She then asked me to kiss her again and tell her what i feel. I did as she said, but i felt nothing. I told her the thruth too. And then i added that i didnt feel anything but i could sense ur smell. Then she said that was the ewason for kissing, that was the meaning.. i was left not really getting what she meant,but i kinda agreed with her.